Friday, January 25, 2002

So. Its all over.
I arrived home at seven thirty this morning and I guess that means I'm really truly finished. Its still so completely surreal to be here. I had forgotten how big and empty this place was!
I had in short, one of the most incredibly emotional weeks of my life! I probably would have been okay if the final orientation camp had been full of other people who were excited and ready to go home. But it wasn't. It was full of similarly shaky sad exchangees who just wanted to go home and hold their host mummy's hand while she fussed over them. But what must be done must be done! shikata ga nai deshou! So we moped around for a while crying about how we had to give up our lives we worked so hard to create and then had a bit of a party and, well the story goes on but I will end it here! I was once again shocked by how much I had come to like people I disliked so strongly in the beginning! There is a lesson in that somewhere...
Saying goodbyes are obviously no fun. Especially since the last week is always the week where you feel like everything is finally in place. I even managed to think school was sort of fun for the last week, as I wrote in a poem a few months back 'Memories tend to glow purple and gold despite that reality was blue-grey and yellow' and I have to tell you that the last week was pretty golden...
My host mum had a fit laughing when I told her about all the mistakes I made with my japanese. Like the fact that I bought gifts for my host grand parents only to find out they were either dead ofr living in a grave yard (she laughed until she cried about that as she remembers me shoving something desperately in to my handbag on the way from the car- the presents) as well as many many countless other escapades of Claire's japanese just not pulling through... I certainly learned to laugh at myself this year because I knew if i didn't that everyone else would be!
My host mother made me cry on frequent occasions by just being her... I read a letter from her on the plane and just felt so relieved that it was over but so unhappy I couldnt keep going anymore.
Its been a pretty big year.
I am home now and I have caught up with a lot of the people that mattered to me this year, my family- in particular my little gran, Sophie, and tomorrow everyone else at my party...
So, this is the last entry. Thanks for sharing the journey with me. I you want to know anything about Japan or settling back in feel free to give me an email...
But before I go, can I tell you the best thing I ever did was to jump blindly off the the edge of security...?
Give it a try. Ganbatte ne.
Otsukaresamedeshita. Okage samade. Osewa ni narimashita. Omedatou Gozaimasu.
posted by Claire English @ 10:33 PM

Wednesday, January 09, 2002

I always feel like exhaling loudly when I sit down to write this... not sure why... anyway good afternoon everyone!
You may find the following diary entry cloying and syrupy, because I am currently battling through my first full day at school without my miss swiss... Andi if you are reading this 'COME BACK! OCHA IS LIKE A FUNERAL HOUSE WITHOUT YOU! QUICK ITS SERIOUS IF I STOP DRINKING LATTE'S EVERYDAY I MIGHT LOOSE WEIGHT- THE HORROR!' Yup okay its out of my system now. Poor Andi, I always feel sorry for people who aren't big cry babies like me when it comes to goodbyes. Sorry because I am sometimes so overly emotionally driven that if someone pops out to get some milk at the wrong time of the month I am liable to start sobbing, and more so because if I am crying people sort of wish they were, or feel bad they aren't too. Andi dont stress, after you left the salon and I apologised to the beatiful tokyoian styler for bawling in his studio he told me I had the power to become like Angelina Jolie, so obviously that distracted me from being sad. It also started me wondering why I was spending 15 thousand yen in a hairdressing salon if the styler was so apparently blind, so I had two things to distract me. My mind is doing that wondering around like headless chook thing again, sorry. Andi, In short thank you for everything.
Thank you for being my shadow and my leader, my best friend and my best enemy. For knowing me so well you could destroy me in a second but for teaching me the truths about me I didnt want to look for... Oh yeah, and thanks for making me fat you chocolate making cheese eating Heidi.... just joking! I love you!
Our lovely gaijin community also had to say a big goodbye to Eric from the Netherlands this week, Ciao you crazy dutch kid you, and ofcourse, last but not at all the least, our dear Jon. Going home to Sydney early for his cousins wedding or something. Its been nice having you around and we will see you in Byron.
As you can probably tell, I am coming home soon. It must be almost 2 weeks to go now. My life that took so long to put together is scarily easy to pull apart. Slowly I am saying goodbye for the last time to different people, having to think of gifts for people and the biggest one is obviously thinking about going home. I have almost forgotten who I was there.
I have a life here. I have a family here. I have friends here. I know my direction here. I have so few responsibilities. I swear, sending me home now is so cruel!
But I learned a lot. I can try and be interesting without having to be offensive now. I realised that this week when i delivered my final speech at school. The time I stood up on that stage I was scared lifeless I gave my introduction and scooted down the stairs as quickly as possible. The second was after 5 months. I got up and as tactfully as I could, called them all cold and strange and told them they were missing out on so much by studying all the time and that I was never taught to ignore someone who was crying etc etc. I was angry at Japan, because not only did I have no understanding of the people, but I didnt really want to. I thought my way was better. The last speech was this week. I still dont understand reactions that come naturally to the japanese people. I begin to think i will never truly understand. But whilst living here I have learned it is better to accept things if you can, and not get angry if you can't. My speech this time was titled 'Anzuru yori umu ga yasui' which translates as 'The fear is often greater than the danger' I told them that that was how I feel when I look back on Japan, and thats how they should think when they refuse to approach foreigners because they are unconfident. It was serious, but I am not fluent enough to make it heavy. It was the best I could do at the time. I hope one day I will do it again and do it better. I got down from the stage and wanted to sleep for about 6 months.
* * * * * * * * *
My host mum and I had a talk about a week ago, the kind of talks we used to have a lot before what will now be referred to as 'the fight' half way through Dec. Its nice to have her back. One of the highschool girls she used to councel 3 years ago committed suicide, and I guess she wanted to talk about it. She comes out with these scary home truths about me all the time. I really wonder if she knows me better than I do sometimes... I was telling her about how I havent been able to draw for about 6 months, I just can't and I dont know why, the urge isnt there. Her response made me feel transparent. 'Claire in reality you are aggressive (agh! how did she find out?) but you can't be aggressive here because you have trained yourself not to be. (stop talking! I dont want to know!) If you were emotionally able to draw I think it would scare you, you might have to let go. This has been a great year for you, and I am proud of you for working so hard, but dont be suprised you cant think of what to draw, I think we both know you are using your concentration up on being brave.'
My host mum has taught me not to worry about not being the OP1 we all wish we were at times, because she has taught me its just as, if not more important to be wise. I want to be wise like her. But I have a lot of people to try and understand before i will be like that. Umm remind me of that when I am throwing nasty comments at a certain group of bimbo's in the 'Pig and Whistle Pub' will you?!
On that lovely note (who would have guessed the bimbo's would get a mention on my page?!)
I will go home. The bell just rang. I made a whole day without Andi. Good on me.

posted by Claire English @ 3:32 PM