Monday, November 26, 2001

Okay, well I know I boasted about being the only PIEE exchange student who got to live in Tokyo, but this morning I began to realise that living amongst an enormous amount of people means there are a larger amount of yucky, icky nasty, greasy people too. We all know I love Tokyo, but you have to draw the line somewhere. And being followed and groped by a weird guy in a train is it. Ugh. I feel so violated! Which is so funny because I was groped by weird guys all day in the mosh pit at Big Day Out (an Australian Music Festival) but you just screetch a few expletives and they generally slink away, but when noone touches you even if they love you, its a bit much to have some guys hand up your skirt in the middle of a rush hour train.
WRONG WRONG WRONG. There, that was a three word summary of the whole experience.
Anyway I want this to be a real recount of Tokyo so I will tell it how it is (even though everytime I say something bad about Japan everyone gets a worse impression of it especially those who havent been before and for some reason i feel reason i feel guilty) But anyway iku yo. (lets go)
I have been going to school later and later recently because we are on winter schedule which lets us stay in bed longer. And today I was on the 8:34. I remember because I will never catch this train again.
I got on and was looking a total wreck, I had literally crawled out of bed, was not wearing my cute short skirt because I couldnt find it, nor was I wearing my show-off school girl fluffy socks because I couldnt find my sock glue- yes I use sock glue- basically I just wasnt exactly the sunniest child on the planet, or anything vaguely close.
But, as luck would have it, someone obviously thought I looked either attractive or desperate and decided to see if he could score himself a date. Any men reading this needing female advice , especially in Japan, the way to a woman's heart is not through her bike pants in a rush hour train, I'd give dinner and a movie a try first. Just a thought. Anyway I was on the train and could feel something tugging my skirt, I turned bared my teeth and got ready to attack, Just kidding. I am japanese so I pretended to ignore it. But then it wasnt a tug anymore (I wont be descriptive or vulgar there is no need for that) so I hissed YAMETE. Which is no stronger than the english response 'Quit it!' It was then that I discovered that (suprisingly) it was not an ugly old salary man but infact a young blond-ish japanese guy in a bad eighties tracksuit. This made me really pissed because had he gone to a local pub i am sure he wouldn't have been unsucessful in attracting a perfectly normal japanese girl, so why be a perverted little nit wit?
I eventually managed to twist on my side so he couldn't reach my oshiri (isnt that a pretty word for bottom?!) anymore. I was actually really stressed by this point. I was feeling really vulnerable even though I was so obviously physically larger and so completely not alone. Miss Swiss had a similar experience once and she too said its strange we dont think to scream or they would surely stop out of embarassment. When in rome I guess, monkey see monkey do, all of those things.

I finally reached my station and got up as fast as I could in to Tokyo station, he followed. And then started talking to me. First things firs 'do you speak japanese'. I was stupid and responded in the positive (oh the stupidity) he then ran along a series of rediculous conversation starters such as 'Sorry I touched you I was just being friendly I want to be your friend.' (no response to that one) followed by 'do you have a phone how about giving me your number' (I guess he was hoping for 'thank you for apologising for harassing me, coffee sounds great,' but I instead told him I had no phone and was leaving the country soon.) I eventually managed to get to my subwayline that he didnt have a ticket for and escaped down the stairs so distressed I was almost in tears. What has changed me in these 8 months so greatly that I let myself put up with that? I really feel like I have lost my power. But anyway that was that, and little as it was it shook me up a bit and I am worried I will see him again on the Touzai even though i dont think that is likely in the least with the number of trains and people in Edogawa but yukkky. The japanese I used for this is Kimoi- that's gutter slang for Kimochi ga warui- that was for the japanese speakers as the closest thing in english is it 'I feel yucky' and that doesnt really cover it.
But other than that life is good. My friends are great and Lisa, Eric, Jess, Fred, Andi, Megumi and Yuriko thanks for a fun long weekend...
I will see the rest of you Brisbaners in less than two months now. 22nd Jan. I might be ready to come home then. We all have to grow up eventually. And atleast I have a guaranteed seat on the train, right?
posted by Claire English @ 6:52 PM

Sunday, November 04, 2001

Bloody Seashells. I swear, its all the seashells. I should have listened to you Sophie. Seashells. What was I thinking?
This is a good entry to show the kind of people I am living with and the kind of person I am becoming. It shrugs off a lot of Japanese stereotypes, well I think so anyway, as always feel free to voice your own opinion.
It started Thursday afternoon when for the 7000th time was at a loose end for what to draw, nothing new there. I faintly recalled a conversation I had with Sophie where we laughed at the idea of ceasing to draw our politically and socially incorrect, Angry-at-the world-statement, Intense, passionate,red and black people drawings for pastel watercolours of flowers, fruit and seashells. We had groaned and screamed at the awfullness of the idea. But that particular Thursday I was flipping through the school encyclopaedia and came across 'S' as in S for seashells. I was tired and angry and hated school and wanted show the snotty little girls who werent sharing their lollies just how bitter I could be over strawberry creams, and figured what the hell it would probably be calming to sketch a 'Jackknife Clam' or two, I mean the name sounded appropriate enough.... So I shoved the 40kg encyclopadia in my bag and trundled off home.
Lets face it, it probably wasnt natural to sit around and draw pastel seashells when I really felt like drawing wolfish school girls dressed in sheep-like school uniforms, but that concept hadn't hit me yet and I was tired and pissed off, so seashells it was.
I turned up calming music I didnt usually listen to and sat with my almost perfectly new baby pinks and peachy fleshy silver greys and creams, pushed aside my short and blunt but comforting blood reds and blueberry indigos and grape coals and drew three shells and a starfish lying on a beach. I look at them now and realise they look like corpses washed up by the tide but that wasnt the idea. I was just drawing some seashells.
When I was done, I realised that it was Thursday. Thursday in the Shigeno household is girls night, its the night when my host mum refuses to cook and instead takes Maki and I out for dinner and leaves the boys to fend for themselves. Cup noodles or take out for them, Italian, French or Mexican for us. Its usually a lot of fun.
Anyway, since getting back from Kyoto I had been a little bit down, nothing crazy I just hadnt been as chatty as usual. I was pretty sure noone had noticed. To make sure my host mum knew I wasnt angry at her and because its always nice to give presents I sprayed my drawing with hair spray to keep the colours and gave it to her with, granted a somewhat fake and tried, smile on my face. Perhaps I looked more like the kind of clown that frightens children, than a happy exchange student, but I was trying!

My host mum looked at it. Looked at it again. And tears welled in her eyes. She looked so sad, it was awful! I stood there for a sec and waited for her to say something.
She grabbed my hand and said quietly, 'Claire, what's wrong?' I looked at her blankly and told her I was fine. She sighed and her voice was trembling 'Tell me what's wrong! What is this?' I paused and quietly explained it was 3 sea shells and a starfish lying on the beach. She shook her head and said firmly 'You don't draw seashells. And you dont like these colours.' I must have looked pretty bloody confused by this stage but I jokingly told her it must be japanese art, calming and quiet, and that she better look out or I would really be japanese soon. She looked at me as if someone was jumping up and down on her heart strings. 'Is it school?' I wasnt sure whether be frustrated or touched. For the third time I told her I was fine and it was just some seashells. 'We better go to dinner. We need to talk. Go and get changed and meet us at the elevator in five minutes' she told me, and with that slowly rose to her feet and walked quickly to her room. I knew better not to follow.
I sat on my futon, completely gobsmacked. What had I done?
Maki and I chatted happily on our walk to Capricosa's and my host mum seemed to have loosened up a bit so I stopped stressing and got ready to eat.
But as soon as my Minestrone soup arrived my host mum started to look firm again. I wondered if she had sneaked in to my room and discovered the white lillies I had tried to draw the day before and wondered if she might hit me if that was the case. For what ever reason, she said 'Claire we dont know what you are thinking.' I said my life was really very good and I was really grateful and really happy. She said 'You never complain, I could give you mouldy sandwiches and you would tell me they were delicious' I told her that was completely rubbish and i had only eaten one peice of mouldy toast once, and that was only because I didnt realise before I started eating it. She half smiled but said 'You sit quietly and stand up for me when the children are mean to me, even if you agree with them.' I told her that was the way it was supposed to be. 'You never tell me I am crazy, even though I am. You dont even tell Maki to shut up and EVERYONE does that. You dont yell at Yuki and you dont poke fun at Otousan (dad).' In short it seemed she was telling me to be more rude which I refused to do when I already knew my room was too messy and I was always late for dinner. 'Please. You are part of the family, and I cant be more relaxed if you cant.' And that was that.
Its weird. I could have sworn there wasnt any problems. I dont purposely hide what I think, and I really dont stand up for my host mum if she is in the wrong. Its just she works so hard and the children dont appreciate her....... AAAAAAAAGH who am I??
I have been trying to figure out how to handle all this for the past three days. But maybe I am having a real teenage angst crisis! I don't know who else to be, because I have been trying to someone better than me... more polite than me.... more japanese than me.... better at following the rules than me.... better at fitting in than me.... less intimidating and more quiet than me....better at studying than me...less red and more pink...Less Le Tigre or Tori Amos and more J-pop and mainstream than me...

I am re-reading this and feel like puking. I sound like an excerpt from Dolly magazine. 'Dear Dolly, I dont listen to Britney Spears any more and I got my period and my boyfriend has a penis. I dont know who I am anymore, and whats more i have boobs! Help me please, Signed some teenage angsty 14 year old idiot named Christy whisty.'
Hey.... that was very Claire. Maybe this isnt so tricky afterall....
posted by Claire English @ 2:43 PM